He uses pillows to masturbate.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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