You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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