you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
