My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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