I accidentally had phone sex last night
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You left your phone here
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