How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
