I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He shit in the fireplace
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