i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
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