Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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