as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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