Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Can you bring me the toilet please
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
