I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
