So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
