Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
