this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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