FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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