Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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