dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
