You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
