But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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