I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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