was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
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You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
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YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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