I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
