If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
