I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
