i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize