my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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