I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
be right there i have to get my cape
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
