I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
