tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
