I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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