Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
