guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
