You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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