Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
