I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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