Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
