Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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