I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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