I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
ttyl tear gas
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
