my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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