Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
