I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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