im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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