come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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