was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
