I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
