I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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