I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
