my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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