I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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