I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
