My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
